In other news, woman keeps problem alive by convincing herself the same failed approach will eventually do the trick. Will she die before she ever solves her problem?
She just may.
I just may die before ever solving my problem. (Look who’s bringing the DRAMA TODAY!)
I never realized the stubborn hellcat that is I, who stares at the writing on the wall with eyes clenched tightly shut—it says TRY A NEW APPROACH, THIS AIN’T THE HILL TO DIE ON!
Can you see that? I can’t.
“What seems to be the problem” you ask?
Well Barb, I believe that if I accomplish all my goals by segmenting my time perfectly, PER-FECT-LY as in no room for error, then life will be as it should be and everyone will see me as the successful woman I’m meant to be, naturally.
No matter how long the to-do list—for many of us, the longer the better—the more satisfaction I’ll attain with each task ticked off, causing me to swell up with so much worthiness I’ll never be void again and isn’t that the meaning of life? To know you’ve proved your worthiness to… someone? Everyone? Your graduating class?
Irrational thinking explained
I sat down recently and crafted a well-thought-out to-do list with what I hoped to accomplish in March. This turned out to be a whale of a list.
There were things I’ve been meaning to achieve for years on there—grow my email list, re-design my website, create another podcast (because one isn’t enough)—plus a few additional items—build up my confidence, read more fiction, learn sentence structure, learn Italian. It’s a pretty intense list, but I was ok with it since I would segment my time PERFECTLY and success would be mine... mwahahahaha!
Of course the initial buzz of new projects carried me off beneath their firey wings as every “to-do” was awarded a precious timeslot on my calendar. Alerts were included as well so I’d never be caught off guard doing something NOT ON THE LIST!!!!
As one may rightly assume, this idealistic version of myself did not show up. Not in the slightest because I’M INEPT AT USING TIME WISELY. (But my alerts did show up, reminding me it’s “writing time!” while I was at the grocery store, taking the kids to the dentist, meeting my husband for an impromptu Hey let’s grab lunch lunch, and even when I was rushing to school to attend some forgotten meeting about a school thing I signed up for last month.)
When I don’t show up perfectly, I open myself to all sorts of dark cloud emotions like unworthiness, self-doubt, frustration, and many moments of “WHYYYYYYYYY can’t I prove I’m committed and consistent like all the other professionals out there who are crushing it with their to-do lists and high-profile jobs and writers who never run out of things to write about and look how their subscriber rate is going THROUGH THE ROOF! and god I hate it all! WHYYYYYYYYYY!”
Here comes the part where I tell you about the potency of journaling.
Not many folks want to hear it but allow my plight to inspire you! Journaling is the easiest tactic to employ when you you’re having an “all is lost” moment. It’s also the most difficult thing to get your time-focused brain on board with and here’s why… your brain loves to pull you in all sorts of directions—it’s motto is I ride or die with chaos and confusion and I will never slow down!
And yes, you have a million other things to do other than pontificate on your current state of affairs and write poignent thoughts you may never revisit again… but it’s also calming, insightful, difficult-but-worth-it, and eye-opening this brain dumping, and uncaging of thoughts as though they’re thoroughbreds set free from the track gates… and it’s all for you. No one else should ever read this brain barf.
Once I wrote out my to-do list again, I wrote about it. I asked questions like Why do I feel I need to get all this done in a month when some thing have been on this list for a year? Have I grown out of them? Am I no longer interested in them? I dove into the much and mire tht resides underneath the surface and poked and prodded it for the reasons why I’ve changed, the growth I’ve experienced, the things that bring me peace now, not last year. And because of it, I received potent advice and gained a bit of clarity and guidance.
I then re-wrote my to-do list and—here’s the real self-care moment—I wrote down only one thing on it. And the only criteria was if this one thing, if I were to accomplish it, would make my heart grow 3x its size.
BOOM!
A new approach to a very old problem. Is it the actual solution? Only my pesky friend Time can tell me, but I do know that I feel like I’ve lost 50 pounds off my shoulders, and I can see the horizon clearly. And ain’t that grand!?
By taking pen to paper—as our ancestors have done—and using that sacred written intel to learn more about myself, to ponder questions never before asked, is one of the best new practices I could ever employ.
Tell me, have you ever tried writing for answers to old problems?
Til next week my new journal-loving friend!
❤️
am
or
I think most women can very much relate to this! My husband has consoled me through SO many "WHY CAN'T I JUST GET IT ALL DONE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!" meltdowns. And... I think I know why the journaling worked. Because the drama is about whatever our brains decide to focus on in the moment. If it's focused on the loooong list of everything I'm NOT getting done and haven't managed to get done in the past THREE YEARS, then it makes time "a problem" and me an "even bigger problem." But when we journal (or go for a walk, or call a friend, or do some yoga, etc.) we are able to zoom OUT (or is it closer IN?) to realize that all that stuff we are freaking out about isn't real... (But don't worry, our brains are all ready to freak out again in the not too distant future. 😅)
“ Of course the initial buzz of new projects carried me off beneath their firey wings as every “to-do” was awarded a precious timeslot on my calendar.”
Been there done that! And then my google calendar haunts me with unmet expectations!!
I’m a version right now (day 2). I’ll let you know if I crash and burn. But I’m feeling pretty confident about it because it includes me time and time for errands. We’ll see. 😆 (I also have overflow time in the evening if needed, which came in handy yesterday)