My Basic & Limited Mind Thinks Its Saving Me
And why you still dream about showing up to school naked.
“So what is stopping me from stepping outside my habitual crap?
My mind, my limited mind.
The story of life is the story of the same basic mind readdressing the same problems in the same already discredited ways.”
That’s George Saunders giving a commencement speech to a crowd of freshly faced college grads. I know I would have liked to have heard the entire speech—perhaps I should “YouTube it”—because…
… my mind.
My mind is a very limited mind.
Funny thing is, my limited mind isn’t even insulted when I say that—heck, it’s even partaking in the writing of this, but like a moody teenager, it rolls its eyes and mumbles under its breath “whatever”.
How do I win against such nonchalance? Like a boyfriend I keep trying to break up with, yet can’t stay away from.
My mind isn’t sounding any alarm bells, no rounding up the troops. There’s no “oh no, she’s about to destroy me, what am I to do?”
My mind is a jerk sometimes.
I’ve been on this path to connect deeper to the natural world around me to see if there are answers hidden somewhere,
… but the trees aren’t talking to me. And the animals fear me, or simply can’t be bothered—the deer just stop and stare at me when I walk past them, eyes locked on mine as I fawn all over them—oh hello!! You’re so pretty! I love you (actual words spoken by me more than once on spotting a baby deer while it ignores me, realizing my only threat is my goofy smile.)
There is no telepathic message I’m receiving from nature. Aren’t I supposed to when on my “nature walks”? There are no “downloads” like Dickens received, no utter calm like Theroux was able to access. Isn’t that the purpose? Is it that I’m thinking too much? Is my brain too dodgy?
The flowers ignore me too, their beauty so wild and natural and not costing $500 per month in serums and potions to maintain. Their beauty is almost an insult, as if they’re the high school Homecoming Queen and I the nerdy school newspaper “paparazzi” tyring to get the light just right to assail social media with.
If nature is so alive and buzzing, why am I only hearing the birds? And a dog barking far off in the distance?
My mind and its obsessive preoccupation with all the same stories, same results, same problems—or any problem, actually—could be the issue. Is this sameness the thing that stands in my way of seeing more? Feeling more? Or better yet, feeling different? And why is different so bad? Why does my limited mind fear it so much? Why is there never tea in the house when I’m feeling so philosophical?
Maybe it’s the creature comforts that keep my mind so limited. Maybe we all look at the little escape hatches we’ve created and think, “this is what’s keeping me alive. This is what’s keeping me from stepping out of my habitual mind crap. How can this be so harmful? It’s so innocuous. So little. Something so small can’t be that powerful… can it?”
My mind does these mini-freak-outs every once in a hot minute. The way out isn’t to focus on what the mind is saying—because it’s full of stories and those stories define who we are—without them we’re naked and afraid which is why there’s a show called just that, and we can’t look away because none of us can survive when we’re naked and afraid but we’d like to see how other people attempt it. That’s also why we still have those dreams of arriving at school in nothing but our birthday suits. We’re so naked, so afraid, and totally exposed! (Did I just get off the therapist couch?)
But I’m learning that when the same problems arise, when the same chatter buzzes around me like a plotting knat, when the same habitual thought patterns flow, the earlier I catch the chatter, the easier it becomes to put space between the thoughts. And if you know Deepak Chopra, then you know all the answers lie in the gap. The space between. The place that’s most uncomfortable for us because in that space, there’s no busyness, no stories, no identities. It’s like we’re free-falling.
And the success and failure of being in that space depends on one thing - can you hear yourself when the habitual crap starts flowing?
Are you aware of your stories?
Are you aware?
Are you awake?
Awareness is the key to the lock to the door to get you into the next room that’s a little nicer, a little bigger, and smells a little of apprehension and bad cheese. Because change is like that. It smells bad to us.
In the morning, are you aware of that heavy sigh you let out as you get out of bed? Are you aware of how the “things I have to deal with today” list is the first thing outta the gate, and it feels like a longshot?
All those are practiced and habitual thought patterns of crap. And the mindfuckery of it all is that the more aware we are of those played out stories that feel so natural to our “the sky is falling” brain, the more control we have over them.
You don’t need a tree in the woods to tell you that. I mean it would be nice to have your own wise talking tree to converse with—which reminds me of a podcast I recently listened to with physicist and quantum science expert Thoman Campbell about the power of imagination and how talking to an imaginary horse can help you download new solutions. I mean… bonkers, right? But my woo-side couldn’t resist, so I gave it a shot, and you know what… it works. Although the ease at which it worked for me could have something to do with growing up attending Friday night race night at Yonkers Raceway, betting on the ponies with my dad, but wow, all that’s for another day! (Am I still on the couch?)
Just know that your habitual mind crap is nothing more than your brain wanting to impress you by working as hard a it can to keep you alive. But it’s good to know when safe isn’t comfortable anymore.
Try widening the gap between thoughts, it won’t hurt, it’ll just feel weird and maybe pointless and maybe stupid and maybe you’re like, this is just the way it is, and that’s when you’ll know your mind is limiting you!
Till next time, my slightly more aware friend!
❤️
am
P.S. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MAMAS!! 💖
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