Welcome back, I've been busy & that's a lie

What I'm trying to say is: I'm scared.

The Sunday Mail Drop is my weekly love letter to my subscribers—and any curious-about-subscribing people who have stumbled here by accident, or maybe by divine intervention 🤷🏻‍♀️. This is where I write about change, habits, life lessons, and my personal experiences on becoming who it is I’m meant to be while trying not to take it all too seriously. So grab your Sunday mimosa 🥂 or green smoothie, and let’s chat!

Welcome back my lovelies to my weekly Sunday Mail Drop (What I’m actually saying: Welcome to my revived Sunday Mail Drop—because yes I’ve been busy along with the rest of the world, and double yes my skin crawls with regret at the mere utterance of the word “busy” because it’s a lie, a dark cloak covering nothing more than my insecurities and doubts that have attached themselves to my writing over the past few months, so let me say this instead: Welcome, I’m glad we’re all here! 

As I recover from my self-inflicted skin crawl, I believe it best to never utter the phrase I’m so busy ever again! In the dusk of past lives, I remember, unfondly, how I sat for 20 thousand years at a desk attached to a cubicle that blended in with the beige walls and beige carpeting—that sometimes made me feel like I was floating?? Anyway, amidst all the corporate nonsense I used to endure — i.e. where the ”I need it yesterday!” and “Well good afternoon” when I’d walk into work at 9:05 am were the usual catchphrases I’d encounter—I remember playing hostess to many a lost soul who found their way to my windowless cavern of dread—maybe I was their little ray of sunshine in a stale wasteland of beige? Many friends, co-workers—and even an incredibly hot sales rep who would pop in every time he made a sales call… drooooool!—sought me out at various points in the day to say hello—so nice of them! But when I’d ask, Hey, what’s up? they all flexed their “busy” right there in front of me. THEY. WERE. SO. BUSY. 

SO BUSY they didn’t have time to answer the phone and should be returning to their desk right now! Yet there they stood, lingering in my windowless realm, water-cooling with me while their piles of folders and ringing phones were left to fend for themselves. 

To this day, this busyness is still inflicting millions. I come across it at playgrounds, PTA meetings (kidding, I never go to those), girls' night out, and regular run-in chit-chats with other humans. Everyone is so… SO… busy and it got me thinking.

Maybe “busy” is a cry for help.

Or maybe busy means:

• I'm scared of trying new things.

• Do I even have a purpose if I’m not thoroughly occupied with little pieces of busyness?

• Look at me, juggling random tasks, I’m important can’t you see that? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?

• I'm stuck, and unsure, and my self-portrait is a masterpiece of confusion. 

• I’m worthy of love now (Hello Dr. Phil, can you take this one?!)

• I've built a fortress in my comfort zone.

• Uncomfortable situations? Hard pass.

• Dodging the ingredients for a fantastic life.

For the sake of time and all the things we have to get done today, the underlying message here is my reason for being “busy” was that I was scared, and keeping busy is my protective coating. It means I can avoid feeling scared, vulnerable, or unworthy because I’m cleaning the kid’s bathroom, or putting away laundry, or playing with the cats BECAUSE THEY NEED ATTENTION TOO and why doesn’t anyone give them attention, why is it always me??? (Enter resentment—a much better feeling than scared!) I play this avoidance game a lot.

We’ve gotten so used to looking at things through the lens of busyness that it blurs our vision and keeps us from becoming the version of ourselves that we want to become—the stronger, more fit, more healthy, more happy, more fulfilled version that comes with evolving. But when we keep our heads down and stay busy, we’re missing out on so much in the name of staying safe.

So, I convinced myself I was too busy to keep up with my Sunday Mail Drops but alas that wasn’t it at all. I was keeping myself safe from pushing myself, from practicing, from writing, from putting myself out there… I don’t think we fully grasp the power of busyness and how it keeps us exactly where we are despite wanting more chowder from life. 

Can we let the word busy off the hook, and place ourselves back on the hook? 

Inspo for this post came from this quote by EE Cummings: 

“…to be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.”

This quote has zero to do with busyness—I see that now—but that’s why inspiration is so intriguing, it can spark anything!

Happy Sunday! (or happy whatever day it is when you’re reading this! 🎈)

❤️
am

I forgot to mention…

I changed the name of my Substack, how rude of me not to introduce it properly! Welcome to the new Working on becoming… substack. While I loved Mindfully Yours, I feel that these three words permit me to write about how I’m working on becoming more of the person I want to be, and all the ups and downs and freak-out moments that come with it. I hope you enjoy it, and please, if you haven’t already, subscribe, and then share with a bestie!!